What is "retro-bait"?

"Retro-bait" was the theme of this summer's "Willow River Evangelical Free Church Semi-Annual Fishing Derby" at Lake Ogallala State Recreation Area put on by the Willow River Evangelical Free Church of Valentine, Nebraska. It was organized by Eunice Eklund, the church secretary, and Maggie Nyberg, the worship leader, largely because the men needed a time to mourn and heal. After ten players from the Kansas City Royals refused to get vaccinated for the series in Toronto—Whit Merrifield saying he would have had the Royals been contenders—the management filled the roster with Omaha Storm Chasers, leaving the beloved minor league team sorely depleted. The men know Salvy can't carry the whole Royals roster, especially since he got hit in the hand by a pitch, but they felt betrayed. Also, the women wanted to get the kids ready to go back to school with fewer distractions.

The theme turned out to be a great success. Ollie Swenson, former interim pastor, took the lead. He used his proprietary mix of canned dog food and raisins which he swore the rainbows would smell from a mile away and practically jump in the boat. Young Peter Peterson III brought some kind of Play-Doh looking stuff—garlic flavored that looked like a toxic florescent milkshake. With glitter. When Lars Eklund called foul, saying it wasn't a "retro" bait, Pete 3 pointed out it wasn't any shinier than the neon-orange salmon roe Jan Lundborg was using.

Thomas Affolson was packed and ready to go three days before they were to head out. He had fished with his granddad on Lake Rathbun in Iowa and wanted to try lye soap, like his granddad had, but Lisbeth, his wife, told him they didn't make it anymore and she was not going to look up the recipe and make it herself. She shuddered thinking of when her grandmother was a little girl and licked a bowl of lye, thinking it was powdered sugar. Undaunted, Thomas remembered his grandma sending him out with dough balls that the crappies couldn't resist. He'd never gotten the recipe, so he used leftover garlic knots from Rolf Nielsen's Italiano Restaurante and Lefsa. He forgot Lisbeth had gotten the gluten-free knots and they fell apart in the water. Fortunately, Anders Jorgenson had extra bubble gum, and that did just as well.

The 13-year-old Hansen twins started off fine, although they showed a little too much enthusiasm when putting the grasshoppers on the hooks. But they got bored pretty quickly. Leif lost his pole and Lucas started throwing rocks in the lake, so Seb Berg told them to go to the nearby field and dig for nightcrawlers. An hour later, they had a hole the size of a Volvo and a bucket filled with worms and grubs. Franz Gundersen said the grubs were perfect for catfish. Nils Hagen pointed out that anything was perfect for catfish. Tylyr's boyfriend Marc Dahl wondered how the boys dug such a big hole without a shovel.

Everyone had a great time. Pastor Vern Lindstrom even taught Marc how to properly pronounce "crappie."

Until the incident.

Lars had no luck until early afternoon—just a perch so small he had to throw it back. By the end of the day, however, his creel was filled. Thomas asked him what he changed, wondering if he'd swapped his spinner for a wiggler. Lars just mumbled something about the afternoon light and shut the creel. About that time, Leif opened Lars' tacklebox looking for pliers to get the hook out of his finger when he held up a small plastic container and said, "What's this?"

It turns out, Peter had slipped Lars an extra can of glittery gooey stuff. Lars was ashamed to use it, but he'd be more ashamed to go home to Eunice with no fish to fry. Jan, who'd had decent luck with his salmon roe, threw a fuss, claiming Lars had ruined the integrity of the Willow River Evangelical Free Church Semi-Annual Fishing Derby.

Ollie just smiled. "Now, now, Jan," he said. "Remember the apocryphal book of Zebedee, chapter 4, verse 12: 'Anyone who lieth do so as unto the Lord and shalt be named a reprobate—unless he be fishing.'"

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